Another Irish Joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

“Well,” he explained “By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts meaning Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and meant Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen”.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well,” he explained “By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.”

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying – Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….”

Joke of the Day - Birds and the Babies

If a black stork brings a black baby, and a white stork brings a white baby, what birds brings no baby?

A swallow.

Joke of the Day - Potentially vs Realistically

A boy asks his father, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"

His dad thinks for a minute.  "Ok, son, we'll have to show you the answer to this as a practical experiment.  I want you to go ask your mother, your sister and your brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

So the boy goes to his mother and asks "Mum, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The mother thinks for a moment and says "Well, I mean I shouldn't, but I guess we have a mortgage to pay off and we could do with a holiday, so I guess, yeah I would sleep with him for a million dollars."

The boy then goes to his 21 year old sister.  "Hey sis, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

"A million dollars?" his sister exclaimed.  "I'd do it for free!"

So the boy goes to his brother and says "Hey, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

His brother screws up his forehead.  "Well, it's a bit weird, but a million dollars is a lot of money.  I guess so, just for the money."

The boy goes back to his father and tell him his findings.  "So, Dad, what does it all mean?  How does this tell me about Potentially and realistically?"

"Well," says his father, "Potentially we're sitting on 3 million dollars here.  Realistically we're living with 2 whores and a queer."

Joke of the day - The Sneeze

A man and woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.

As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently.  Are you OK?"

"I'm sorry if I disturbed you, I have a rare medical condition, whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before" he said.  "Are you taking anything for it?"

The woman nodded. "Pepper."

My laugh of the day - Orthopaedics vs Anaesthesia

Joke of the day - Happy/Sad

A woman was watching a movie with a happy ending, and the husband walks in and sees his wife crying over the happy ending of the movie.  "That is such crap," he says, shaking his head.  "How can you be happy and sad at the same time?  Only women could be so stupid.  Men aren't like that.  There isn't anything you could say to me that would make me happy and sad at the same time."

His wife looks at him and says, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."